The perfect holiday gift for each team

‘Tis the season for giving and getting, our appreciation for the season, for a higher power and for our fellow man illustrated in warm hugs and hearty laughs and good cheer but also in stuff. Here, the spirit of generosity is not actually an intangible. It’s weighable, definable, right there in the plain ink of your credit card statement.

It is in that spirit that we take this trip around the league and hand out one gift for every team that can be taken into 2017. (The gift receipt’s taped to the bottom, just in case.)

Teams are listed in order of their 2016 record.

Cubs

What do you get the club that has everything? How about we just pre-order every member of the organization a copy of the David Ross book due in May? And to Joe Maddon, specifically, we’ll toss in a framed picture of Aroldis Chapman holding his $86 million contract, signed, “To Joe, thanks for everything (even Game 6). Love, Aroldis.”

Nationals

A really generous phone call from the White Sox. It’s Rick Hahn, and he’s saying, “Look, we thought we had a fair deal for Adam Eaton, but now everybody in this prospect-romanticizing society of ours is trying to paint it as if we fleeced you. So what do you say we send you David Robertson, gratis?”

Rangers

At their best, the holidays are a time for reuniting with loved ones, renewing old ties, re-establishing those old, fuzzy feelings from times long ago. So here, Rangers. Enjoy your gift of a one-year pact with Mike Napoli and a Minor League deal with Josh Hamilton.

Indians

A parrot cage. The Edwing is coming to Cleveland and will need a place to nap between Edwin Encarnacion at-bats.

Red Sox

Let’s hold David Ortiz to that little tongue-in-cheek Instagram tease from after the Chris Sale trade and give Boston one more year of Big Papi. Dude had 87 extra-base hits and a 163 wRC+ this year. Sore feet? So what!

Dodgers

Brian Dozier. Usually the Hot Stove trade ideas we float in this sort of space early in the offseason are just pie-in-the-sky fantasies, but Dozier-to-the-Dodgers continues to make too much sense not to happen. He’s the lefty-mashing second sacker this lineup sorely needs.

Blue Jays

Jay Bruce. The Blue Jays wanted him before 2016, and it didn’t work out. Then Bruce had a bizarre year, rebuilding his trade value with the Reds only to freefall with the Mets. But we know the talent that is in that bat, and there is the whole appellative attraction of putting a guy named Jay on the Blue Jays. (Add in the pronunciation of J.A. Happ’s name, and you’ve got this market correctly cornered.)

Orioles

A Mark Trumbo contract. This guy hit 11 more homers in one season in Baltimore than he did over the course of 2014-15 combined. So we’d say it’s been a fine working relationship. They’ve been around $20 million apart in contract talks, but, hey, what’s $20 million between friends, especially at the holidays?

Giants

J.D. Martinez. Because this is the Giants we’re talking about, the minute we question the left-field plan — a Mac Williamson and Jarrett Parker platoon (“Marrett Parkamson”?) — those guys will probably combine for 28 homers and an .898 OPS. But here we’ll gift the Giants the guy who has averaged those exact numbers the last three years. He fits the Giants’ otherwise cumbersome payroll picture and his bat provides a boost … unless, of course, you really believe that stuff I said about Marrett Parkamson’s 28-homer potential.

Mets

Energy drinks, orthopedic shoes or whatever it’s going to take to ensure Curtis Granderson’s small-sample-size defensive metrics in center field last season can last for a full year.

Cardinals

A 2014 calendar. For Adam Wainwright. …

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