Casting the Manchester United Squad’s Nativity Play

Manchester United Christmas parties are known to contain the odd artistic performance from players. In 2014, for example, Wayne Rooney was pictured belting out a couple of tunes on stage with a live band. 

But what if the squad’s thoughts turned to a more traditional form of Christmas entertainment? At this time of year, in primary schools up and down the country, nativity plays are being staged. Children are shuffling around and belting out their lines at top volume.

Having seen the Red Devils’ acting talents in adverts on MUTV and, amazingly, in trailers for summer blockbusters, the average five- to 11-year-old is probably a decent match for their abilities.

With that in mind, let’s cast the United nativity.

Some ground rules. First off, this is a play on the primary school tradition of nativity plays rather than anything more formal. No religious significance is intended to be satirised, only the cultural phenomenon. It is the players’ ability to act in the parts that is being analysed, not who is actually the most angelic.

Second, we are initially casting some traditional roles—a narrator, Mary, Joseph, the Three Wise Men, three Shepherds, the innkeeper and the Angel who visits the shepherds. Then, like with all good primary school nativities, we are going to invent some parts to give the people who don’t get those roles something to do.

Third, only employed members of United’s playing squad are eligible for roles. No turning to Sir Alex Ferguson and Sir Bobby Charlton to play the wise men. That would be too easy.

Before we get started, this show will be so star-studded it needs an opening act. Paul Pogba, Jesse Lingard and Memphis Depay will be called upon to get the crowd into the show with an amazing choreographed dance routine. We know they can do it.

After that, it’s time for the main event. Let’s get started.

The Narrator

Gravitas, the power to command an audience and the ability to concentrate on delivering in key moments. Those are the qualities the narrator needs. Step forward the only man for the job: Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

When Zlatan’s narrator is speaking, no one would look elsewhere, such is his level of charisma. Plus he is used to conserving his energy for bursts of performance when the spotlight is on him. It’s a perfect fit.

Mary

It’s 2016, and it’s the theatre, so let’s not have any issues around gender here. These are grown men, and one of them is perfectly capable of playing Mary. There will be a lot of lines, so we …

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